Thursday, January 17, 2008

Journal post from Jan. 9, 2002

This is a post from my journal very soon after we found out we were pregnant with our third child. The one we lost. Just a mundane post from our happy life.
I'm going to have a baby, I am so excited! Things are never exactly what you want them to be, but babies wait for no man or plan and I am so happy. I really have wanted to have a new baby, I can't wait. (this is a totally funny statement to me, because we had just told every one at Christmas that we were so happy with 2 and were not going to have anymore. Amazing how God changes the heart.)
The boys were so cute when we told them. They were jumping around, cheering, hugging me. R only wants a sister and the only name he will consider for her is Madeline - just like his best friend's little sister. Hopefully he won't be to disappointed.
We had a beautiful Christmas. We enjoyed our Christmas eve dinner with my cousin and her boyfriend and then having our Christmas morning at home. The kids woke up and ran into our room screaming that Santa had left their stockings in their room. They were so excited that they hadn't even looked inside or brought them to our room. R was so pleased with his Polly Pocket and his Diesel 10 engine. Braeden was over the moon for his hockey skates - they both got exactly what they asked for from Santa.
We just enjoyed the kids so much, and in the afternoon we drove to Edmonton to have dinner with Brent's parents. Brent's Dad had made us TV tables, they are really great. After a few days we went home to relax.
Ang and Kris came on New Year's Eve to visit, she looks so cute all pregnant.
Over our break we spent lots of time hanging out with the kids, playing cars, skating. Now Brent is working a lot of overtime, and we hope to buy a house before the baby is born.

In reality, the day I got the positive test result I cried. I had not really seriously considered having any more children. My last visit at the specialist he had told me that I was infertile ( I wasn't ovulating at all, maybe 3 times in 6 years) and if I ever wanted to have more children I would have to come and see him for fertility treatments. I did not even feel sad at that. I was done having children and I trusted that if God ever changed my mind then he would take care of the details. (especially since I had managed to conceive R during one of those rare ovulations)

It was not an easy time in our lives, we had been through some marital strife in the preceding year and dh was about to be laid off of work (or had just been laid off).
But by the next morning I was more excited about being pregnant than I had ever been. I spent days pouring through name books looking for the perfect name for our daughter. I so wanted a girl.


Lori said...

Thank you for sharing this piece of your story. I think you are brave to revisit these thoughts. Some of the most painful memories for me are all the "befores." It is hard for me to look back on being excited and happy and preparing and planning for twins. I look back on that person and she feels like someone else. I want to hug her and protect her from what is about to happen.

c. said...

I wish I had kept a journal throughout the pregnancy, instead of the blog I have written since his death. How beautiful that you can go back and really know the excitement you felt. I'm glad you got your girl ;o)

Lainey-Paney said...

I understand.
We lost our baby, Masyn.
We would have been due sometime this month.

I have all of these guilt & sadness feelings tucked away...somewhere in the back of my mind and heart.
There is sooooo much going on this month right now with my husband's health....just too much to even wrap our brains around.

...but I wanted to let you know---I also understand getting that unexpected pregnancy test that reads "pregnant"; & then not really knowing how you feel about it initially.
I'm soooooo glad that you wrote what you wrote about that....I hadn't otherwise told people that I wasn't exactly ecstatic when we unexpectedly became pregnant. My first feelings were guilt. I felt like I was talking away our son's infancy & toddlerhood---like I was somehow taking away his status as "the baby". But, within hours---I was excited. I was able to tell myself, "you're giving your son the gift of a sibling", and somehow able to let those guilt feelings go...

...and then of course, I felt guilty about not being excited...oh, the vicious cycle!

I'm at:
July 2007 was when we lost our Masyn & I blogged about it quite a bit during that time...