Thursday, January 17, 2008

Journal post from Jan. 9, 2002

This is a post from my journal very soon after we found out we were pregnant with our third child. The one we lost. Just a mundane post from our happy life.
I'm going to have a baby, I am so excited! Things are never exactly what you want them to be, but babies wait for no man or plan and I am so happy. I really have wanted to have a new baby, I can't wait. (this is a totally funny statement to me, because we had just told every one at Christmas that we were so happy with 2 and were not going to have anymore. Amazing how God changes the heart.)
The boys were so cute when we told them. They were jumping around, cheering, hugging me. R only wants a sister and the only name he will consider for her is Madeline - just like his best friend's little sister. Hopefully he won't be to disappointed.
We had a beautiful Christmas. We enjoyed our Christmas eve dinner with my cousin and her boyfriend and then having our Christmas morning at home. The kids woke up and ran into our room screaming that Santa had left their stockings in their room. They were so excited that they hadn't even looked inside or brought them to our room. R was so pleased with his Polly Pocket and his Diesel 10 engine. Braeden was over the moon for his hockey skates - they both got exactly what they asked for from Santa.
We just enjoyed the kids so much, and in the afternoon we drove to Edmonton to have dinner with Brent's parents. Brent's Dad had made us TV tables, they are really great. After a few days we went home to relax.
Ang and Kris came on New Year's Eve to visit, she looks so cute all pregnant.
Over our break we spent lots of time hanging out with the kids, playing cars, skating. Now Brent is working a lot of overtime, and we hope to buy a house before the baby is born.

In reality, the day I got the positive test result I cried. I had not really seriously considered having any more children. My last visit at the specialist he had told me that I was infertile ( I wasn't ovulating at all, maybe 3 times in 6 years) and if I ever wanted to have more children I would have to come and see him for fertility treatments. I did not even feel sad at that. I was done having children and I trusted that if God ever changed my mind then he would take care of the details. (especially since I had managed to conceive R during one of those rare ovulations)

It was not an easy time in our lives, we had been through some marital strife in the preceding year and dh was about to be laid off of work (or had just been laid off).
But by the next morning I was more excited about being pregnant than I had ever been. I spent days pouring through name books looking for the perfect name for our daughter. I so wanted a girl.

Wednesday, January 2, 2008


I am feeling sad today, just plain sad. I realize I am really tired, and it is just after Christmas, so sad is probably pretty normal. I also feel guilt. Guilt about not finishing my story here, for not sharing and for not giving more of myself to other women with dead babies.
I have been reading these women's blogs, reading and sobbing, feeling their pain and mine. They seem to intermingle and it becomes hard for me to tell them apart. Am I sad for my own lost baby? The one I so missed this Christmas, as always. Especially as I watch her cousins play together, especially the other 2 five year old girls that were to be her life-long best friends, her sister-cousins. Or am I sad for all of these poor women who are suffering right now, missing their precious babies, for all the horror they have been through, the intense sorrow they are in the middle of?
I guess the answer is both. The women in deadbabyland remind me what it was like to be where they are. I want everything to be alright for them in a way it wasn't for me. I want them to know the hope and joy I have now. I wish I could take away a measure of their pain, but in a way I don't want to take that from them. I remember my Mom asking the Dr. for a Valium or something to help me and the Dr. told her that I had to feel all of the emotions of grief so that I could heal, that giving me drugs would not help me in the long run, that if and when I needed antidepressants, that would be a whole other thing.
So I guess I don't really want to take other women's grief from them, at least it is somewhat tangible and reminds us that our babies are real, they lived and they have died. I guess I just pray that they will find hope again, that they will continue to travel through their grief and process and find joy and peace and hope again.