I am feeling sad today, just plain sad. I realize I am really tired, and it is just after Christmas, so sad is probably pretty normal. I also feel guilt. Guilt about not finishing my story here, for not sharing and for not giving more of myself to other women with dead babies.
I have been reading these women's blogs, reading and sobbing, feeling their pain and mine. They seem to intermingle and it becomes hard for me to tell them apart. Am I sad for my own lost baby? The one I so missed this Christmas, as always. Especially as I watch her cousins play together, especially the other 2 five year old girls that were to be her life-long best friends, her sister-cousins. Or am I sad for all of these poor women who are suffering right now, missing their precious babies, for all the horror they have been through, the intense sorrow they are in the middle of?
I guess the answer is both. The women in deadbabyland remind me what it was like to be where they are. I want everything to be alright for them in a way it wasn't for me. I want them to know the hope and joy I have now. I wish I could take away a measure of their pain, but in a way I don't want to take that from them. I remember my Mom asking the Dr. for a Valium or something to help me and the Dr. told her that I had to feel all of the emotions of grief so that I could heal, that giving me drugs would not help me in the long run, that if and when I needed antidepressants, that would be a whole other thing.
So I guess I don't really want to take other women's grief from them, at least it is somewhat tangible and reminds us that our babies are real, they lived and they have died. I guess I just pray that they will find hope again, that they will continue to travel through their grief and process and find joy and peace and hope again.
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If only in my heart.
2 comments:
I hope this, too, K. I guess the fact that you feel sad shows me I'll always have this loss with me, regardless of how much time passes. The fact that you've gone on - survived - is inspiration. I'm broken right now. Terribly, horribly broken. But I know I won't always be. XO.
I don't know that it goes away, ever. I read other women's blogs and cry the same way - and it's just as fresh as the day I lost my daughter. I think once you've been there, the empathy is simply overwhelming.
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