This is a post from my journal very soon after we found out we were pregnant with our third child. The one we lost. Just a mundane post from our happy life.
I'm going to have a baby, I am so excited! Things are never exactly what you want them to be, but babies wait for no man or plan and I am so happy. I really have wanted to have a new baby, I can't wait. (this is a totally funny statement to me, because we had just told every one at Christmas that we were so happy with 2 and were not going to have anymore. Amazing how God changes the heart.)
The boys were so cute when we told them. They were jumping around, cheering, hugging me. R only wants a sister and the only name he will consider for her is Madeline - just like his best friend's little sister. Hopefully he won't be to disappointed.
We had a beautiful Christmas. We enjoyed our Christmas eve dinner with my cousin and her boyfriend and then having our Christmas morning at home. The kids woke up and ran into our room screaming that Santa had left their stockings in their room. They were so excited that they hadn't even looked inside or brought them to our room. R was so pleased with his Polly Pocket and his Diesel 10 engine. Braeden was over the moon for his hockey skates - they both got exactly what they asked for from Santa.
We just enjoyed the kids so much, and in the afternoon we drove to Edmonton to have dinner with Brent's parents. Brent's Dad had made us TV tables, they are really great. After a few days we went home to relax.
Ang and Kris came on New Year's Eve to visit, she looks so cute all pregnant.
Over our break we spent lots of time hanging out with the kids, playing cars, skating. Now Brent is working a lot of overtime, and we hope to buy a house before the baby is born.
In reality, the day I got the positive test result I cried. I had not really seriously considered having any more children. My last visit at the specialist he had told me that I was infertile ( I wasn't ovulating at all, maybe 3 times in 6 years) and if I ever wanted to have more children I would have to come and see him for fertility treatments. I did not even feel sad at that. I was done having children and I trusted that if God ever changed my mind then he would take care of the details. (especially since I had managed to conceive R during one of those rare ovulations)
It was not an easy time in our lives, we had been through some marital strife in the preceding year and dh was about to be laid off of work (or had just been laid off).
But by the next morning I was more excited about being pregnant than I had ever been. I spent days pouring through name books looking for the perfect name for our daughter. I so wanted a girl.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
Sadness
I am feeling sad today, just plain sad. I realize I am really tired, and it is just after Christmas, so sad is probably pretty normal. I also feel guilt. Guilt about not finishing my story here, for not sharing and for not giving more of myself to other women with dead babies.
I have been reading these women's blogs, reading and sobbing, feeling their pain and mine. They seem to intermingle and it becomes hard for me to tell them apart. Am I sad for my own lost baby? The one I so missed this Christmas, as always. Especially as I watch her cousins play together, especially the other 2 five year old girls that were to be her life-long best friends, her sister-cousins. Or am I sad for all of these poor women who are suffering right now, missing their precious babies, for all the horror they have been through, the intense sorrow they are in the middle of?
I guess the answer is both. The women in deadbabyland remind me what it was like to be where they are. I want everything to be alright for them in a way it wasn't for me. I want them to know the hope and joy I have now. I wish I could take away a measure of their pain, but in a way I don't want to take that from them. I remember my Mom asking the Dr. for a Valium or something to help me and the Dr. told her that I had to feel all of the emotions of grief so that I could heal, that giving me drugs would not help me in the long run, that if and when I needed antidepressants, that would be a whole other thing.
So I guess I don't really want to take other women's grief from them, at least it is somewhat tangible and reminds us that our babies are real, they lived and they have died. I guess I just pray that they will find hope again, that they will continue to travel through their grief and process and find joy and peace and hope again.
I have been reading these women's blogs, reading and sobbing, feeling their pain and mine. They seem to intermingle and it becomes hard for me to tell them apart. Am I sad for my own lost baby? The one I so missed this Christmas, as always. Especially as I watch her cousins play together, especially the other 2 five year old girls that were to be her life-long best friends, her sister-cousins. Or am I sad for all of these poor women who are suffering right now, missing their precious babies, for all the horror they have been through, the intense sorrow they are in the middle of?
I guess the answer is both. The women in deadbabyland remind me what it was like to be where they are. I want everything to be alright for them in a way it wasn't for me. I want them to know the hope and joy I have now. I wish I could take away a measure of their pain, but in a way I don't want to take that from them. I remember my Mom asking the Dr. for a Valium or something to help me and the Dr. told her that I had to feel all of the emotions of grief so that I could heal, that giving me drugs would not help me in the long run, that if and when I needed antidepressants, that would be a whole other thing.
So I guess I don't really want to take other women's grief from them, at least it is somewhat tangible and reminds us that our babies are real, they lived and they have died. I guess I just pray that they will find hope again, that they will continue to travel through their grief and process and find joy and peace and hope again.
Friday, December 7, 2007
Condolences
I just found out that my cousin's son and daughter-in-law buried their stillborn baby girl today. I am so sorry R and K and cousin J for your immense loss. My heart is breaking for you, crying with you. Wishing you could hold baby Grace in your arms one more time. Thinking of your Grandma Joyce and Nana P. in heaven, holding our babies, cuddling them and kissing them until we get to go and hold them ourselves.
I pray that God's love will surround you and comfort you, that he will hold you up at this time when it seems impossible to stand. I wish there was something I could say or do to ease your pain.
Love,
Kristen
I pray that God's love will surround you and comfort you, that he will hold you up at this time when it seems impossible to stand. I wish there was something I could say or do to ease your pain.
Love,
Kristen
My pregnancy
This is a reprint of the post I made at Mighty Morphin Mama last April.
5 years ago, almost 6 now, just after Christmas I discovered that I was going to have my 3rd baby. The moment I found out I flopped into my bed with my husband and cried. We had really come to the conclusion that we weren't going to have any more children, 2 was a great number! DH had been out of work for a bit, and we had no idea when he would work again, so the timing wasn't great either. We held each other and talked and he reassured me that God would take care of us, and he was so excited that we were going to hold another of God's blessings in our arms very soon.
By the next morning I was so excited about our new baby I spent hours pouring over baby name books writing down all the names I loved. I kinda thought we might have a baby girl this time, and the girl names stood out to me way more than any boy names. I knew her middle name would be Dorothy. That is my middle name, I was named after both my Grandmothers.
The boys were ecstatic when we told them they were gonna be big brothers. They jumped up and down yelling! R was so thrilled that he was finally a big brother too, and B was convinced that he was going to get to be compensated for R being a boy by finally having a little sister.
One of the coolest parts of being pregnant this time was that 2 of my sisters were pregnant already! Ang was due first, 6 weeks later Hayley was due, and then 6 weeks later I was due. I went up to visit everyone and we had a blast being preggo together. I was 16 weeks by then and I felt my baby's stirrings for the first time. I could talk to her and feel her move within me. Daddy and I would sing to her, Away in a Manger, just like we did with her brothers before her. Actually the boys loved to cuddle up with me and hug my little tummy and sing to her too.
My dh is very brave and drove back to Calgary with Me, Ang, and Hayley, and the 3 boys. One man and three pregnant women and 800 km of highway! Brave or a sucker for punishment, lol. After numerous bathroom stops and snack breaks we got back to Calgary where my sisters and I shopped for maternity clothes and let our bellies lead us around. We spent tons of time talking about how fun it would be for our babies to grow up together and taking photos of them all together, and maybe even dressing them alike, lol.
I bought some really nice maternity clothes for the first time, the styles are so much better than with my first two babies. I wore this really sexy new top to my birthday dinner. All we could talk about was our new baby, and what our life would be like when she came.
At just about 18 weeks I went for my regular ultrasound. The boys came in and saw their baby sibling. She put her hand up by her mouth and looked like she was waving at them. So exciting! It seemed to be taking a long time, and the tech had a very serious demeanor. I was a little concerned. When she spoke to the Dr. and he came to talk to me after my kids and dh left, I was very worried. He told me that my baby had Coroid Plexus cysts in her brain. Benign cysts that are actually quite common and mean nothing if they are found in the brain of someone who is already born. But when seen in an unborn infant they are a soft marker for a trisomy. Down syndrome is a trisomy, so that is where I went in my head. The doctor told me I would have to come back in a few weeks for another ultrasound where they would hopefully be able to see more, and referred us to a genetic counsellor. I laid there and cried, clutching the paperwork in my hands. Mourning my perfect baby that might not be perfect.
I knew already that I would not have the amnio, as I would not risk the baby's life that way. I would have the baby no matter what could possibly be wrong with it. And the actual probability of there being an issue was smaller than the likelihood of amnio induced miscarriage. I cried to think that my baby may suffer in any way. Balled and mourned. And then I went to the library to research. I read every medical journal article I could find on these cysts and anything remotely related to trisomies as well.
What I read was reassuring as well as hard. The probability of something being wrong was very small, but if there was a trisomy it looked like it would not be Down syndrome. It would be one of the other 2 most common trisomies, both of which were fatal either before or not long after birth. I really did not want to accept that. I took books out of the library on raising a child with Down Syndrome, educated myself on what to expect and what resources I would need to pull from. I immersed myself in information and started looking into support groups and such for families with children with Trisomies. I kept pushing the thought that this baby would die out of my head. For me that was an unacceptable outcome.
I called my Doctor's office to find out when my next ultrasound would be and when I could come in and talk to her. The office told me that if there was any problems with my last ultrasound the doctor would get back to me. I told them that I already knew what the problems were and I needed to see my doctor and have her make the appointment at the Genetic counsellors office and for the more in-depth ultrasound. My doc was on holidays and I didn't hear back for a week or two.
I went back to my doctor for a checkup at just over 20 weeks. She was having a hard time finding the fetal heartbeat, but I wasn't worried as it had happened before. Then she said, "Oh do you hear that little echo in the background, I think that is it." She finished the checkup and said goodbye. Later that day the nurse called to tell me they had scheduled my second ultrasound. I had to go the next day, I told her that was not convenient, but she insisted saying the doc thought it was urgent. Weird, I thought.
This ultrasound was taking a very long time. The tech was consulting with the doctor the whole time. I am thinking, okay, they are seeing trisomy markers and want to be sure before they talk to me. Finally they asked me if there was anyone with me who could come in with me. I said my dh was there, but he had my kids. They brought him in alone. Then they told me that my baby had died. They had no reason, but she was dead just the same. Stunned. Slapped across the face with my nightmare of losing a child.
5 years ago, almost 6 now, just after Christmas I discovered that I was going to have my 3rd baby. The moment I found out I flopped into my bed with my husband and cried. We had really come to the conclusion that we weren't going to have any more children, 2 was a great number! DH had been out of work for a bit, and we had no idea when he would work again, so the timing wasn't great either. We held each other and talked and he reassured me that God would take care of us, and he was so excited that we were going to hold another of God's blessings in our arms very soon.
By the next morning I was so excited about our new baby I spent hours pouring over baby name books writing down all the names I loved. I kinda thought we might have a baby girl this time, and the girl names stood out to me way more than any boy names. I knew her middle name would be Dorothy. That is my middle name, I was named after both my Grandmothers.
The boys were ecstatic when we told them they were gonna be big brothers. They jumped up and down yelling! R was so thrilled that he was finally a big brother too, and B was convinced that he was going to get to be compensated for R being a boy by finally having a little sister.
One of the coolest parts of being pregnant this time was that 2 of my sisters were pregnant already! Ang was due first, 6 weeks later Hayley was due, and then 6 weeks later I was due. I went up to visit everyone and we had a blast being preggo together. I was 16 weeks by then and I felt my baby's stirrings for the first time. I could talk to her and feel her move within me. Daddy and I would sing to her, Away in a Manger, just like we did with her brothers before her. Actually the boys loved to cuddle up with me and hug my little tummy and sing to her too.
My dh is very brave and drove back to Calgary with Me, Ang, and Hayley, and the 3 boys. One man and three pregnant women and 800 km of highway! Brave or a sucker for punishment, lol. After numerous bathroom stops and snack breaks we got back to Calgary where my sisters and I shopped for maternity clothes and let our bellies lead us around. We spent tons of time talking about how fun it would be for our babies to grow up together and taking photos of them all together, and maybe even dressing them alike, lol.
I bought some really nice maternity clothes for the first time, the styles are so much better than with my first two babies. I wore this really sexy new top to my birthday dinner. All we could talk about was our new baby, and what our life would be like when she came.
At just about 18 weeks I went for my regular ultrasound. The boys came in and saw their baby sibling. She put her hand up by her mouth and looked like she was waving at them. So exciting! It seemed to be taking a long time, and the tech had a very serious demeanor. I was a little concerned. When she spoke to the Dr. and he came to talk to me after my kids and dh left, I was very worried. He told me that my baby had Coroid Plexus cysts in her brain. Benign cysts that are actually quite common and mean nothing if they are found in the brain of someone who is already born. But when seen in an unborn infant they are a soft marker for a trisomy. Down syndrome is a trisomy, so that is where I went in my head. The doctor told me I would have to come back in a few weeks for another ultrasound where they would hopefully be able to see more, and referred us to a genetic counsellor. I laid there and cried, clutching the paperwork in my hands. Mourning my perfect baby that might not be perfect.
I knew already that I would not have the amnio, as I would not risk the baby's life that way. I would have the baby no matter what could possibly be wrong with it. And the actual probability of there being an issue was smaller than the likelihood of amnio induced miscarriage. I cried to think that my baby may suffer in any way. Balled and mourned. And then I went to the library to research. I read every medical journal article I could find on these cysts and anything remotely related to trisomies as well.
What I read was reassuring as well as hard. The probability of something being wrong was very small, but if there was a trisomy it looked like it would not be Down syndrome. It would be one of the other 2 most common trisomies, both of which were fatal either before or not long after birth. I really did not want to accept that. I took books out of the library on raising a child with Down Syndrome, educated myself on what to expect and what resources I would need to pull from. I immersed myself in information and started looking into support groups and such for families with children with Trisomies. I kept pushing the thought that this baby would die out of my head. For me that was an unacceptable outcome.
I called my Doctor's office to find out when my next ultrasound would be and when I could come in and talk to her. The office told me that if there was any problems with my last ultrasound the doctor would get back to me. I told them that I already knew what the problems were and I needed to see my doctor and have her make the appointment at the Genetic counsellors office and for the more in-depth ultrasound. My doc was on holidays and I didn't hear back for a week or two.
I went back to my doctor for a checkup at just over 20 weeks. She was having a hard time finding the fetal heartbeat, but I wasn't worried as it had happened before. Then she said, "Oh do you hear that little echo in the background, I think that is it." She finished the checkup and said goodbye. Later that day the nurse called to tell me they had scheduled my second ultrasound. I had to go the next day, I told her that was not convenient, but she insisted saying the doc thought it was urgent. Weird, I thought.
This ultrasound was taking a very long time. The tech was consulting with the doctor the whole time. I am thinking, okay, they are seeing trisomy markers and want to be sure before they talk to me. Finally they asked me if there was anyone with me who could come in with me. I said my dh was there, but he had my kids. They brought him in alone. Then they told me that my baby had died. They had no reason, but she was dead just the same. Stunned. Slapped across the face with my nightmare of losing a child.
Thursday, December 6, 2007
In April 2002 we had a baby girl born still. It was the most heart-wrenching, awful experience of my life. I have always meant to share this story on my blog and I began to in April of this year, but I never finished it. It seemed like too much. I have decided to give my baby girl her own blog, where I can record her story and photos. Where I can preserve my memories and thoughts of her and her place in our family.
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