My Daughter Lives

Mother's Day

2011-05-09T11:49:00.000-07:00

Hope your Mother's Day was lovely. I had a pretty blessed day. I woke up with only one wee babe in my bed and listened to the hurried preparations downstairs. Cards were being crafted, pancakes flipped, milk was being steamed. While my 13 year old slept, the Boy (16) was busy cooking my breakfast while my husband coordinated and made my yummy latte. I am so thankful that my husband was home this year, and that he took it upon himself to make my day special. I love Mother's day morning, there is nothing like that joyful expectation as I await the appearance of all those smiling faces and giddy gift giving.

But not all Mother's Days are joyful, and if yours was not, please know that I empathize with you and I am so sorry. Some years, we are sad because our own Mothers are sick or have passed away. Some of us do not have mothers worthy of celebration. (I am so thankful that I do, my Mother is amazing!) And sometimes, we are aching to be mothers, but our arms are empty.

I will never forget the first Mother's Day after we had our sweet, stillborn baby, Kalila. She was born on April 26, so only a few weeks before Mother's day. As Mother's day approached, I only wanted one thing - my Mother. So I went home to my Mom and was able to just let all my pain hang out with her. She was my rock, she just wept with me. It was a bit hard to be around my sisters who were also pregnant, but mostly because I really didn't want them to feel badly. I wanted their happiness with all my heart, but I wanted mine back too.

That was the hardest Mother's day I have ever had, even though I had two amazing living children, I so wanted my missing daughter, to hold her in my arms. The only way I survived that time was to picture myself in God's arms, big enough for all my sorrow, pain and anger, and to picture Him rocking me as I rocked my baby girl. He was my Mother and my Father through all that time and is still today.

I hope you had an amazing Mother's day, filled with the people you love. Know that you are not alone.

April 26, 2002

2009-04-26T21:40:00.000-07:00

7 years. Seven years have passed since I gave birth to my oldest daughter. As most of you know, she died in my womb and then we birthed her and held her still body. It was heart-wrenching, but beautiful. The peace that I experienced as I held her little body in my arms was incredible. We miss her, but the ache, the pain is gone. We know that one day we will hold her in our arms again and she will be whole. She will be full of life again, and that is the day that we live for.
Last night, I read through my journal that I wrote at that time. It is full of pain, and tears filled my eyes more than once. But it is also filled with hope and it is filled with the evidence of God working in our lives. God promised to carry us and he did. He held us and comforted us and I am so thankful for every step of our journey. I am thankful for the pain that opened our hearts wider to God and to his creation. To beautiful, hurting people all around us.
I think I will share some of those entries with you in the weeks to come. I will also finish the birth story I started to write a couple years ago. Oops!

Kalila Dorothy, April 26, 2002
Her name means Precious - Gift of God. Kalila is an Arabic term of endearment and Dorothy is my middle name and the first name of both of my Grandmothers, I always planned on giving it to my first born daughter, so I did.

My journal post from the day Kalila was born.

To my precious one,
I have loved you since before I knew you existed. You have been growing inside of me for almost five months. I have thought of you each day with love, hope and excitement as well as with fear and anxiety over the future. When I first felt your stirrings inside of me, it was Easter weekend and we were at Nana's. I felt utter joy - you were real! All the following week (your 18th), when I would sit still in the evenings with your aunties (with your cousins in their tummies), I would feel your movements.
I am so thankful for that time.
At night, your Daddy would talk to you and hug you - we were anxiously awaiting the time when you could hear our voices and we were trying to choose your special lullaby.
On the Monday after you turned 18 weeks old, we went to have an ultrasound done. I was so excited! We all were, we would finally get to see you. When the sonographer was done, she went and got Daddy and your brothers. We saw your beautiful, perfect form, lovely legs and toes, arms and hand. You waved to us, we were so thrilled that you were saying hi to us, but I guess it was good bye. (The boys always talk of her waving good bye. to this day.) That is how the boys remember you. I am so thankful that we had that opportunity to see you and that you knew us already. You heard your brothers playing, and all of our family times and knew our love.
I love you.
We watched you gulping and I imagined you nursing at my breast and greedily gulping. When I saw your heart beating, I was ecstatic, 154 beats per minute. I had been longing to hear that sound, but the sound was off, so we never did hear your heart beat.

Later, after she was born:

I felt such peace as I watched you laying in the bassinet, curled up as if asleep. Holding you in my hand, I just love you. I can't imagine having to wait my entire life to hold you whole and full of life. I long to hold you at my breast and watch you eat, stroke your cheek and whisper sweetness in your ear. I love you so much.
Kalila Dorothy, you are the baby girl I have dreamed of since I was a little girl. Your brothers wished and prayed for a little sister.

Thinking of you my precious daughter and of all the other mommy's who are missing their babies.

Another year gone by.

2009-04-25T12:42:00.001-07:00

Kalila's seventh birthday tomorrow. Going to make some plans with the kids, I wonder what we should do to commemorate it. I am thinking a nature walk after church and lunch, and then a butterfly cake as usual. I feel much more at peace than I did last year at this time. I guess holding Ez safely in my arms makes it a bit easier to be philosophical. Pregnancy and I make terrible bedfellows emotionally. Having a baby die in your womb will do that to a gal, I guess.
Thinking about C today and her baby boy as always, but also her father who was recently diagnosed with cancer. Praying for her, their dear family and for her Dad.

Walk to Remember

2008-10-06T18:23:00.000-07:00

We were late and I wanted to be irritated. I considered not going at all, why bother when we were already going to miss the beginning. A woman approached us as we arrived on the grounds and directed us to join the procession as they were just starting out.

And so we walked. And I cried.

The surge of emotion took me by surprise. As soon as we joined the end of the long line of baby lost families, my knees went weak and sobs wracked my body. I have no idea who the tears were for. For my lost baby? For myself and my family? Or for the many, many families plodding in front of me. So many bereaved mothers and fathers. So many brothers and sisters without their siblings to run with and play with. Grandparents, aunts and uncles, friends all loving and supporting their loved ones, all missing their sweet babies who should have been cuddled in their arms.

I usually feel survivor’s guilt when I interact with other baby lost parents. I have been greatly blessed in the progeny arena. I have 5 living children, including a newborn baby. I understand how difficult it can be to suffer the sight of other’s pregnant bellies and babes in arms, when your arms are empty. My arms are full now, full of babies to love. But they know the gut-wrenching ache of longing. My arms know what it is to hold a ghost baby. And I feel guilt now that my arms are full while other’s are empty. I try to be sensitive to the feelings of those who may feel dismay at my current joy. But this day was filled with families. Families with full arms, but who knew the pain of empty ones. Unfortunately, not all the families are so blessed, there were many with no children to hold, those with multiple losses as well.

The whole event was just lovely and surprisingly cathartic. We hadn’t participated in any group rituals of remembrance before. We didn’t have a funeral for Kalila, we went to the funeral home on our own to say good bye. We didn’t go to group therapy or to the tree plantings. We mourned in seclusion. We observe the anniversaries quietly at home.

Being a part of a group of people like us, all celebrating the too-short lives of our babies-lost, was incredible.

I love the almost solemn walking. Being at the very end of the line, I was able to observe the other families and their interactions. There were happy, playing children. There were smiling, chatting adults. There were mourning mothers who were deep in their own thoughts as they walked beside hundreds of others. There were lost fathers, who didn’t know what to do with themselves, how to manage their grief. There were volunteers, smiling gently in support and care. We meandered along the pathway through the legislature grounds. Our walk ended as we walked past our babies’ names written in chalk along the pathway. Kalila’s was the very last name.

There was a brief service afterward. Kate from sweet/salty and Glow in the Woods spoke a brief message that touched every heart, and a tear to more than a few eyes. She was incredible, and so generous in sharing her heart with all of us, and leaving her babies across the country in order to do so.

The event ended with our babies names being read aloud as we released balloons, tagged with the names and our wishes for our babies. At first I felt that this would be an artifice riddled exercise. But hearing Kalila’s name read aloud, in front of hundreds of people, made her feel so real to me again. Releasing her balloon allowed my broken heart to soar to her. My Monkey kept asking me if the balloons were going to God, and I felt like I should explain the impossibility of that. I was then reminded that there is no impossible with God.

We also released a balloon with the names of some of our friend’s lost babies, and thought of them throughout the day, as we do often.

As the crowds scattered, we lingered with a family we are acquainted with from church. Their sweet little girl died at 21 weeks, just a few brief weeks ago. I have wanted to connect with her for a while. We briefly chat after Sunday services, but never really get a chance for realness. Yesterday was the perfect opportunity. They are in the trenches of their grief, and I hope that I was able to offer her a glimpse of hope of the future. That someday it won’t hurt quite the same.

I am very thankful that my husband was there and was able to speak a bit with her’s. In some ways, baby loss grief is more difficult for the men. They are not given the same permission to grieve as mothers. They didn’t get to carry their baby within them and know them like mothers do, but they are still mourning. Men feel the need to be strong for their wives and suppress their own hurts. Their peers expect them to ‘just get over it already.’ I think baby lost men need to be there for each other, to guide each other and to support one another in their way of grieving.

It was an incredibly uplifting day for us and I am so thankful to all of those who made it possible. Thank you to Lincoln's Mommy and Daddy.

Kalila's balloon and the one for our friends' babies.

My family, bringing up the rear of the procession.

Walk to Remember

2008-09-30T12:59:00.000-07:00

This weekend our city is holding it's very first Walk to Remember. It is a special day to remember and celebrate the lives of babies lost to miscarriage, stillbirth and soon after birth. October is Pregnancy and Infant loss awareness month and therefore many of the Walks are held in October.
The website gives a bit of history:

The first Walk to Remember was held in September 1986 in Chicago, Illinois, at the Fifth National Perinatal Bereavement Conference. Now, in the United States, tens of thousands participate in the walk, which is held various weekends throughout September and October.

Many chose October for their Walk because it is the month of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness, a time of national observance proclaimed by President Ronald Reagan in 1988. The proclamation states: "National observance of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month offers us the opportunity to increase our understanding of the great tragedy involved in the deaths of unborn and newborn babies. It also enables us to consider how, as individuals and communities, we can meet the needs of bereaved parents and family members and work to prevent causes of these problems."

This movement is new in Canada, and Edmonton's Walk to Remember was spearheaded by a lovely woman who lost her baby, Lincoln, last October 10th. All the money raised from the walk will go to a local baby loss support group called Angel Whispers. (Angel Whispers site) Donations can be made online through Canada Helps.

Donations of keepsake teddy bears will also be collected at the walk, so that parents who have lost their babies can be given a teddy bear to hold on to as they grieve. I know that this was important for me. When we lost Kalila, my cousin gave me a sweet little pink teddy bear. I slept with that teddy and Kalila's blanket in my arms for month and months. When our Girly was born, 3 years later, she adopted Kalila's teddy over all her many toys as her comfort object. This has provided countless opportunities to talk about Kalila and remember her with her siblings.

I think that the Walk to Remember is a wonderful opportunity to not only celebrate our babies' lives, but to raise awareness about Infant and Pregnancy Loss. Alberta has the highest infant mortality rate in Canada, so we need to do all we can to inform ourselves and others. It is also a terrific way for friends and families of those who have lost their babies to show their love and support.

So if you are out here in Alberta, come on out to the legislature grounds this weekend and help support families who's precious children have died to soon.

Held

2008-06-17T10:32:00.001-07:00

This song really touches me every time I hear it. I can't even sing along because by the time I get to the line, "...How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life and you survive," I start to ball.
God never promised us a life without sorrow or pain. He didn't tell us that if we followed him that we would be immune from the horrors of this world, like losing a child. He did promise to hold us up, to carry us when we needed to be carried, to comfort our souls, to give us the strength to keep on going on, when we just can't do it anymore.
Thank you God for holding me in your arms.

Held
by Natalie Grant

Two months is too little.
They let him go.
They had no sudden healing.
To think that providence would
Take a child from his mother while she prays
Is appalling.

Who told us we’d be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We’re asking why this happens
To us who have died to live?
It’s unfair.

(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we’d be held.

This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it, let the hatred numb our sorrow.
The wise hands open slowly to Lily's of the Valley and tomorrow.

(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we’d be held.

(Bridge)
If hope is born of suffering.
If this is only the beginning.
Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?

(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we’d be held.

March of Dimes and Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep

2008-03-27T10:19:00.000-07:00

My friend Aunt Becky is celebrating her son's first birthday by honoring those babies who were taken too soon. A number of her friends have suffered infant loss and stillbirths and she is encouraging us to donate to two wonderful causes, the March of Dimes and Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, a charity that gives professional photography to those who are saying goodbye to their babies forever.
So please hop on over to Becky's and show your love to some families who are suffering. And send some kisses towards heaven for some Angel babies.

Journal post from Jan. 9, 2002

2008-01-17T11:31:00.000-08:00

This is a post from my journal very soon after we found out we were pregnant with our third child. The one we lost. Just a mundane post from our happy life.
I'm going to have a baby, I am so excited! Things are never exactly what you want them to be, but babies wait for no man or plan and I am so happy. I really have wanted to have a new baby, I can't wait. (this is a totally funny statement to me, because we had just told every one at Christmas that we were so happy with 2 and were not going to have anymore. Amazing how God changes the heart.)
The boys were so cute when we told them. They were jumping around, cheering, hugging me. R only wants a sister and the only name he will consider for her is Madeline - just like his best friend's little sister. Hopefully he won't be to disappointed.
We had a beautiful Christmas. We enjoyed our Christmas eve dinner with my cousin and her boyfriend and then having our Christmas morning at home. The kids woke up and ran into our room screaming that Santa had left their stockings in their room. They were so excited that they hadn't even looked inside or brought them to our room. R was so pleased with his Polly Pocket and his Diesel 10 engine. Braeden was over the moon for his hockey skates - they both got exactly what they asked for from Santa.
We just enjoyed the kids so much, and in the afternoon we drove to Edmonton to have dinner with Brent's parents. Brent's Dad had made us TV tables, they are really great. After a few days we went home to relax.
Ang and Kris came on New Year's Eve to visit, she looks so cute all pregnant.
Over our break we spent lots of time hanging out with the kids, playing cars, skating. Now Brent is working a lot of overtime, and we hope to buy a house before the baby is born.

In reality, the day I got the positive test result I cried. I had not really seriously considered having any more children. My last visit at the specialist he had told me that I was infertile ( I wasn't ovulating at all, maybe 3 times in 6 years) and if I ever wanted to have more children I would have to come and see him for fertility treatments. I did not even feel sad at that. I was done having children and I trusted that if God ever changed my mind then he would take care of the details. (especially since I had managed to conceive R during one of those rare ovulations)

It was not an easy time in our lives, we had been through some marital strife in the preceding year and dh was about to be laid off of work (or had just been laid off).
But by the next morning I was more excited about being pregnant than I had ever been. I spent days pouring through name books looking for the perfect name for our daughter. I so wanted a girl.

Sadness

2008-01-02T21:51:00.000-08:00

I am feeling sad today, just plain sad. I realize I am really tired, and it is just after Christmas, so sad is probably pretty normal. I also feel guilt. Guilt about not finishing my story here, for not sharing and for not giving more of myself to other women with dead babies.
I have been reading these women's blogs, reading and sobbing, feeling their pain and mine. They seem to intermingle and it becomes hard for me to tell them apart. Am I sad for my own lost baby? The one I so missed this Christmas, as always. Especially as I watch her cousins play together, especially the other 2 five year old girls that were to be her life-long best friends, her sister-cousins. Or am I sad for all of these poor women who are suffering right now, missing their precious babies, for all the horror they have been through, the intense sorrow they are in the middle of?
I guess the answer is both. The women in deadbabyland remind me what it was like to be where they are. I want everything to be alright for them in a way it wasn't for me. I want them to know the hope and joy I have now. I wish I could take away a measure of their pain, but in a way I don't want to take that from them. I remember my Mom asking the Dr. for a Valium or something to help me and the Dr. told her that I had to feel all of the emotions of grief so that I could heal, that giving me drugs would not help me in the long run, that if and when I needed antidepressants, that would be a whole other thing.
So I guess I don't really want to take other women's grief from them, at least it is somewhat tangible and reminds us that our babies are real, they lived and they have died. I guess I just pray that they will find hope again, that they will continue to travel through their grief and process and find joy and peace and hope again.

Condolences

2007-12-07T17:46:00.000-08:00

I just found out that my cousin's son and daughter-in-law buried their stillborn baby girl today. I am so sorry R and K and cousin J for your immense loss. My heart is breaking for you, crying with you. Wishing you could hold baby Grace in your arms one more time. Thinking of your Grandma Joyce and Nana P. in heaven, holding our babies, cuddling them and kissing them until we get to go and hold them ourselves.
I pray that God's love will surround you and comfort you, that he will hold you up at this time when it seems impossible to stand. I wish there was something I could say or do to ease your pain.
Love,
Kristen

My pregnancy

2007-12-07T12:04:00.000-08:00

This is a reprint of the post I made at Mighty Morphin Mama last April.
5 years ago, almost 6 now, just after Christmas I discovered that I was going to have my 3rd baby. The moment I found out I flopped into my bed with my husband and cried. We had really come to the conclusion that we weren't going to have any more children, 2 was a great number! DH had been out of work for a bit, and we had no idea when he would work again, so the timing wasn't great either. We held each other and talked and he reassured me that God would take care of us, and he was so excited that we were going to hold another of God's blessings in our arms very soon.
By the next morning I was so excited about our new baby I spent hours pouring over baby name books writing down all the names I loved. I kinda thought we might have a baby girl this time, and the girl names stood out to me way more than any boy names. I knew her middle name would be Dorothy. That is my middle name, I was named after both my Grandmothers.
The boys were ecstatic when we told them they were gonna be big brothers. They jumped up and down yelling! R was so thrilled that he was finally a big brother too, and B was convinced that he was going to get to be compensated for R being a boy by finally having a little sister.
One of the coolest parts of being pregnant this time was that 2 of my sisters were pregnant already! Ang was due first, 6 weeks later Hayley was due, and then 6 weeks later I was due. I went up to visit everyone and we had a blast being preggo together. I was 16 weeks by then and I felt my baby's stirrings for the first time. I could talk to her and feel her move within me. Daddy and I would sing to her, Away in a Manger, just like we did with her brothers before her. Actually the boys loved to cuddle up with me and hug my little tummy and sing to her too.
My dh is very brave and drove back to Calgary with Me, Ang, and Hayley, and the 3 boys. One man and three pregnant women and 800 km of highway! Brave or a sucker for punishment, lol. After numerous bathroom stops and snack breaks we got back to Calgary where my sisters and I shopped for maternity clothes and let our bellies lead us around. We spent tons of time talking about how fun it would be for our babies to grow up together and taking photos of them all together, and maybe even dressing them alike, lol.
I bought some really nice maternity clothes for the first time, the styles are so much better than with my first two babies. I wore this really sexy new top to my birthday dinner. All we could talk about was our new baby, and what our life would be like when she came.
At just about 18 weeks I went for my regular ultrasound. The boys came in and saw their baby sibling. She put her hand up by her mouth and looked like she was waving at them. So exciting! It seemed to be taking a long time, and the tech had a very serious demeanor. I was a little concerned. When she spoke to the Dr. and he came to talk to me after my kids and dh left, I was very worried. He told me that my baby had Coroid Plexus cysts in her brain. Benign cysts that are actually quite common and mean nothing if they are found in the brain of someone who is already born. But when seen in an unborn infant they are a soft marker for a trisomy. Down syndrome is a trisomy, so that is where I went in my head. The doctor told me I would have to come back in a few weeks for another ultrasound where they would hopefully be able to see more, and referred us to a genetic counsellor. I laid there and cried, clutching the paperwork in my hands. Mourning my perfect baby that might not be perfect.
I knew already that I would not have the amnio, as I would not risk the baby's life that way. I would have the baby no matter what could possibly be wrong with it. And the actual probability of there being an issue was smaller than the likelihood of amnio induced miscarriage. I cried to think that my baby may suffer in any way. Balled and mourned. And then I went to the library to research. I read every medical journal article I could find on these cysts and anything remotely related to trisomies as well.
What I read was reassuring as well as hard. The probability of something being wrong was very small, but if there was a trisomy it looked like it would not be Down syndrome. It would be one of the other 2 most common trisomies, both of which were fatal either before or not long after birth. I really did not want to accept that. I took books out of the library on raising a child with Down Syndrome, educated myself on what to expect and what resources I would need to pull from. I immersed myself in information and started looking into support groups and such for families with children with Trisomies. I kept pushing the thought that this baby would die out of my head. For me that was an unacceptable outcome.
I called my Doctor's office to find out when my next ultrasound would be and when I could come in and talk to her. The office told me that if there was any problems with my last ultrasound the doctor would get back to me. I told them that I already knew what the problems were and I needed to see my doctor and have her make the appointment at the Genetic counsellors office and for the more in-depth ultrasound. My doc was on holidays and I didn't hear back for a week or two.
I went back to my doctor for a checkup at just over 20 weeks. She was having a hard time finding the fetal heartbeat, but I wasn't worried as it had happened before. Then she said, "Oh do you hear that little echo in the background, I think that is it." She finished the checkup and said goodbye. Later that day the nurse called to tell me they had scheduled my second ultrasound. I had to go the next day, I told her that was not convenient, but she insisted saying the doc thought it was urgent. Weird, I thought.
This ultrasound was taking a very long time. The tech was consulting with the doctor the whole time. I am thinking, okay, they are seeing trisomy markers and want to be sure before they talk to me. Finally they asked me if there was anyone with me who could come in with me. I said my dh was there, but he had my kids. They brought him in alone. Then they told me that my baby had died. They had no reason, but she was dead just the same. Stunned. Slapped across the face with my nightmare of losing a child.

2007-12-06T10:39:00.000-08:00

In April 2002 we had a baby girl born still. It was the most heart-wrenching, awful experience of my life. I have always meant to share this story on my blog and I began to in April of this year, but I never finished it. It seemed like too much. I have decided to give my baby girl her own blog, where I can record her story and photos. Where I can preserve my memories and thoughts of her and her place in our family.